I’m here in my hospital bed with my laptop, typing with one hand because Eric shot me. Great, Eric. What the fuck?
Okay, here’s what happened: we’re playing poker, it’s like 3 in the morning and I’m winning big. We’re all getting pretty drunk but I’m still playing like a champ, laying down flushes, shit like that. In this one particular hand I’ve got four sixes and I’m getting this guy Dan to keep raising the pot, knowing I’m gonna take this shit easy. The last card dealt is supposed to be dealt down and dirty. Eric’s the dealer and suddenly whipping these cards around like he’s playing air hockey or something. He fucks up and deals my card faceup. So everybody can see. It was an ace. Technically this fucks up the game, the dealer is supposed to match the pot and we start over. I can’t fucking believe it. We’re talking like nine or ten bucks here. A HUGE pot. Fuck! So Eric gets a little defensive and starts with the “no way, man…I ain’t matching no fucking pot, man! Fuck that.” Then Dan starts talking about splitting the pot and I’m like, “What the fuck?! What did you have?” Turns out he had like, two queens or something. SHIT! So now, I’m like “Of ALL the fucking times to misdeal, you do it NOW? Match the pot, man!” Eric’s like “No! Fuck that, man! It was just a mistake! I’d rather do this!” He pulls out a twenty and rips it in half and throws it into the pot. And then while we’re all trying to figure out the meaning of this gesture, he pulls out ANOTHER twenty and rips it in half and throws it into the pot, too. Bizarre. Dan starts splitting the pot and now I really can’t believe this is happening. Eric fucked my shit up and now I’m losing four or five fucking dollars not to mention the awesome feeling of winning a fucking good hand in poker with all the guy testosterone pumping and shit, and now Eric’s gonna get defensive and standoffish and indignant about it? Fuck that shit! So I stand up and I’m like “Yo, Ricky, man. Shut the fuck up and match the fucking pot already! Take your fucking twenties and shut the fuck up, bitch!” And he goes “No way, bitch! You the bitch, bitch! I ain’t matching shit! And while you’re at it, why don’t you tape up the twenties I just ripped up because you riled me?!” I’m like, “What? Fuck you, man. Tape ‘em up your own goddamn self!” And he goes “Fuck that shit! You fucking do it! You made me rip that shit up and if you don’t do it you’re gonna owe me forty bucks, man. Because that’s what two twenties equals!” (Eric thinks he’s so smart.) I’m in awe of this most ludicrous of ludicrous statements. “Fuck you, man! Why don’t you get your fucking mother to tape that shit up, bitch-ass!” Okay, well maybe I fucked up here, the ‘mother’ thing is never a good line to cross in these kinds of situations. And I forgot that Eric was standing in front of the refrigerator, which is where we keep the gun his brother left here last Christmas. So he goes “WHATDIDYOUFUCKINGSAYYOUMOTHERFUCKERILLFUCKINGKILLYOUMOTHERFUCKER” and while he’s saying this the other guys are running out of the room and I’m trying to get up and Eric’s already got the door to the fridge open and my shirt gets caught on the flimsy fucking kitchen table we have and BLAM! he fucking shoots me, in the fucking arm. Then he freaks out and runs upstairs to hide the gun or something. Austin and Dan come over to check me out, go “OH SHIT!!” and hightail it out of there. I get up and since my arm is all numb and shit I find the strength to call a cab and then I get outside and wait for it, bleeding in the street and looking at Eric’s window yelling “You fucking dickhead! What the fuck, man?!” And I can see him hiding and shaking and shit behind the window, probably thinking I’m gonna press charges and shit. Only pussies press charges. So now he’s all sorry and comes to visit me and shit. Whatta dink. We told the doctors and the cops that I shot myself accidentally. I don’t know if they believe us.
So that’s what happened this weekend. Because I can only use one hand this took me nearly three hours to write. I hope you all appreciate the shit I go through to bring you this shit.