As you all know (I hope), that aging Australian band Led LO/CO is coming to town AGAIN (yeah, I know) tonight to play some Woodstock thing at Higher Ground. The main douchebag, Ian (Christ, almighty, he keeps claiming to be the asshole that made and sold the ‘brown acid’ at Woodstock AND the member of the Hell’s Angels that stabbed that guy at Altamont) has been contacting me about where to stay, if my mom’s around (not cool), where his bandmates are (how the fuck should I know?), what’s legal here in America drug-wise and sexually (oh super, Superdouche), etc. So I (very, very stupidly) hooked him up with my Facebook account so he could somehow coordinate his arrival at the airport this morning with his bandmates (I guess there’s a temporary new guy who’s a bit…agitated? I don’t know how to describe this dude, but they all took separate flights because of him, hence the trouble. Why don’t these fucking bands just SPEAK to each other?). So he found the details of the gig through my Facebook page (after I AGAIN very, very, VERY stupidly gave him my password) and proceeded to post some stuff under my name, which I just decided was…well…anyway, I just lost a lot of friends. He came with his daughter and an assistant, who I haven’t met yet because Ian fired him during the trip and supposedly he’s now going to be staying with me for a couple months (anybody got a spare bed for an Australian with a fake passport?). At first he had his assistant type his every word and then demanded they be posted, in my name.
So, I deleted the stupid shit that he wrote but then thought I’d share some of it with you, for rock history’s sake. By the way, he really is pretty fucking stupid. You’d think a 66-year-old man who has flown around the world hundreds of times on 30 some-odd tours would know what a fucking seatbelt was, especially on his own plane. He held up his own plane for 9 hours, and then it turned out he thought he was in a car.
Anyway:
>“Jesus fuckin’ FUCK! What in the flying FUCK is going on here? What is this fuckin’ thing? I don’t have time for this fuckin’ shite! Are we fuckin’ flyin’ yet? An’ where are we bloody fuckin’ well going, anyshite? Eh? Fuckin’ VERMONT? AGAIN? For fuck’s fuckin’ sake, man. We’re in fuckin’ China or Japan or Egypt or some fuckin’ place and we gotta go fuckin’ THERE again? Fuckin’ hell, man. Fuckin’ HELL.”
> “Oh, and great. Now I’m lookin’ at this newfangled fuckin’ computer Facefuckin’ TV thing or whatever the fuck it is and fuckin’ SHITE on fuckin’ SHITE! Apparently there’s only going to be 47 people at this fuckin’ show! Montreal? Acadia? WORK ON FUCKIN’ SUNDAY? I can’t even fuckin’ FATHOM where or what the FUCK Ogunquit is. FUCKIN’ HELL! I’m flyin’ to this fuckin’ thing from fuckin’ Korea!
I’m wastin’ a LOT of money on JET FUCKIN’ FUEL! Yeh, fuckin’ expensive these days, mates, in fact ALWAYS fuckin’ expensive! I’m paying for my private fuckin’ jet to take me to play this fuckin’ gig. I’m even wastin’ fuckin’ money right fuckin’ now dictating this fuckin’ shite to my fuckin’ assistant!
Listen up, you fuckin’ Yanks: GO TO THIS FUCKIN’ SHOW. Every time we come here to the States you have proven yourselves to be of…whatever the fuck. You dig our music. Good on you. Come see it again. We’ll never let you down.
I had to go through this “Cooley” guy to get this shite to you. Met him at a gig a while back. He’s a decent enough bloke, but shite as a fuckin’ bartender. Ya call that a Black & Tan, mate? I call it Black & Fuckin’ MUDDY SHITE.” Fuckin’ wankfuckering wankfucker.
Anyways, again, YANKS: GO TO THIS FUCKIN’ SHOW, WHY DONT YA?. This sluggish economy is EVERYWHERE, mates. Don’t forget where you fuckin’ came from. Peace fuckin’ OUT!”
>“I just had to lay off me fuckin’ assistant (Roland). Shut your fuckin’ face about it. I hadda do it, man. The money for this gig isn’t gonna pay for those silk burn-proof oven mitts and/or the lawsuit settlement regarding what I did at Larry’s house last month…‘ey, can you put this in those comma things? Awright: (really, I’m fuckin’ SORRY, Larry. Canna we just move the FUCK on?). Stop the fuckin’ commas NOW. Anyway, all Roland did was type what I said. Big fuckin’ WHOOP. Me fuckin’ daughter’s doin’ it now. She’s three years old and she can type this shite FOR FREE. That’s a real fuckin’ fine way to start, if you ask me. I’m startin’ to dig this Facefucker thing. I might get me own fuckin’ account, mainly cuz this Cooley guy’s bein’ a real fuckin’ prick about me using his computer TV password thingymagingy. An’ he can’t make a drink worth a fuckin’ fuck. Fuckin’ YANKS. Enjoy that Nobel Prize, you fuckin’ bastards. I done more good for the fuckin’ world than you’ll ever fuckin’ know. Just wait ’til fuckin’ tomorrow. Then you’ll fuckin’ know. THEN you’ll fuckin’ know.”
>“Great. And now I have fuckin’ jet lag already. For this 47-audience-member gig (212 ‘not attending’…COME ON! ROCK WILL BE HAD, YOU YANKS!) GEAR and fuckin’ FAB? I think bloody fuckin’ not. Ah, and no beer until 11:00AM, fuckin’ AMERICAN TIME. This fuckin’ country and it’s STUPID fuckin’ time zones. I’m on Tibetan time, mind ya, so gimme a fuckin’ beer! Not only that, but do you realize you just sort of tried to blow up the FUCKIN’ MOON? For FUCKIN’ WATER? We already got plenny o’ water down here, mates. In fact, I think we should be AFRAID of fuckin’ water. We don’t need any fuckin’ more of it if you ask me. Christ, think of all of the people water has fuckin’ killed in the last few years. I don’t wanna get into the horrific details, but it’s a fuckin’ LOT. Water’s evil, man. That’s why we’re made of it. We’re fuckin’ evil, too, after all. If you bastards think you have the bloody fuckin’ right to blow up the fuckin’ MOON, I have the bloody fuckin’ right to drink a fuckin’ BEER.”
>“Anyway, if you’re one of those young fuckin’ kidsters or flipsters who tweezers or mytubes or whatever the flyin’ fuck you fuckin’ do out there, come see us rock in your shitty little town. You won’t regre-JESUS FUCK you guys have some shitty fuckin’ weather goin’ on down here. Bloody shit. Literal bloody shit in the skies.”
>“God, I hate fuckin’ airports. Same fuckin’ shit every fuckin’ time. This Burlington one is alright, but it still kinda fuckin’ sucks. I just wanna fuckin’ beer. I’m on Japanese time right now. There better be fuckin’ beer at this fuckin’ gig.”
>“And I spent my fuckin’ flight celebrating John Lennon’s birthday. This Faceshit shit is kinda alright, though. I know what Drum and Reg are up to now. Unless they’re fuckin’ lying. Can’t trust those fuckers with a fuckin’ thing. There better be some fuckin’ people at this fuckin’ gig. Some hippie bloke just tried to take my luggage.
Ugh. The cab driver’s playing the fuckin’ Eagles. I hate the fuckin’ Eagles, man. Fuckin’ Don Henley? WANKER and a fuckin’ HALF, mate. Wanker and a fuckin’ half.
Fuckin’ shite.”
